Quote:...and if I'm in the shower, bring me some beans on toast.

Quote:We'll never be as young as we are right now

Quote:Time is not your enemy - forever is.

Quote:The record companies are coming to me going "these are all your friends" and I'm going "I don't have any friends".

Quote:Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihilation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys, but after living on earth, I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful.

Quote:No one WANTS a brick thrown at them. But it's an effective way to get someone's attention.

Quote:I start at the ankles and work up. I am like a spider binding him in my gossamer web. I do it tight with several layers. Soon Roy Orbison stands before me, completely wrapped in cling-film. The pleasure is unexampled.

Quote:What can I get away with before it's sure-fire infidelity? A kiss on the lips? Some people say hello like that. Touch the waist? Another innocent greeting gesture. As long as she doesn't rub my penis. No-one says hello like that, other than in prison.

Quote:Feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.

Quote:Absence makes the nose grow longer!

Quote:The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago.... And that was with a coffee machine.

Quote:He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher...or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

Quote:Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

Quote:When I was one, I was dropped on the porch. When I was two, I had pneumonia. When I was three, I got the chicken pox. When I was four, I fell down the stairs and broke six ribs. When I was five, my uncle was decapitated by a watermelon. When I was six, my parents hit me in the head with a shovel. When I was seven, I lost my index finger to my pet rat. When I was eight, my dog Spike got hit by a tractor.

When I was nine, my mother lost her arm to a rabid Brahmin. When I was ten, my sister was torn to bits by a pack of dogs. When I was eleven, my grandfather killed himself because I was ugly. When I was twelve, my grandmother killed herself because I was ugly. When I was thirteen, my father poked out his eyes with a pitchfork in a drunken stupor.

When I was fourteen, my brother lost his hand to a wallaby. When I was fifteen, my aunt choked to death on a chicken bone. When I was sixteen, I lost my cousin to a badger. When I was seventeen, I cut off my left big toe with a hoe. When I was eighteen, my father lost his right leg to the same tractor that killed my dog. When I was nineteen...

Quote:You can never be too careful. A password is obviously needed in case someone was to maliciously pay your bill for you.

Quote:Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best, he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.

Quote:Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there.

Quote:There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

Quote:I'm a celebrity, I can kill whoever I want.