Quote:I'm a celebrity, I can kill whoever I want.

-- Calculon

Quote:There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

-- Franklin P. Adams

In the last week, we've had three fires spontaneously start in the middle of dried out fields, and that's just within visual range of the spot I'm standing in right now. The world is literally on fire...or at least was, until the thunderstorms started in the last hour or so. You should be thankful for having a bit of water, frozen or otherwise, while you've still got it.

Quote:Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there.

-- Eric Hoffer

Quote:Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best, he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.

-- Robert A Heinlein

Quote:You can never be too careful. A password is obviously needed in case someone was to maliciously pay your bill for you.

-- Joe35

Quote:When I was one, I was dropped on the porch. When I was two, I had pneumonia. When I was three, I got the chicken pox. When I was four, I fell down the stairs and broke six ribs. When I was five, my uncle was decapitated by a watermelon. When I was six, my parents hit me in the head with a shovel. When I was seven, I lost my index finger to my pet rat. When I was eight, my dog Spike got hit by a tractor.

When I was nine, my mother lost her arm to a rabid Brahmin. When I was ten, my sister was torn to bits by a pack of dogs. When I was eleven, my grandfather killed himself because I was ugly. When I was twelve, my grandmother killed herself because I was ugly. When I was thirteen, my father poked out his eyes with a pitchfork in a drunken stupor.

When I was fourteen, my brother lost his hand to a wallaby. When I was fifteen, my aunt choked to death on a chicken bone. When I was sixteen, I lost my cousin to a badger. When I was seventeen, I cut off my left big toe with a hoe. When I was eighteen, my father lost his right leg to the same tractor that killed my dog. When I was nineteen...

-- Dave

Quote:Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

-- Sam Levenson

Quote:He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher...or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

-- Douglas Adams

You never had to participate.

Quote:The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago.... And that was with a coffee machine.

-- Marvin

Quote:Absence makes the nose grow longer!

-- The Doctor

You need to equip the ring.

When I take over as emperor of the world, as is inevitable, humans are going to be banned anyway.

Quote:Feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.

-- Stan Smith

I used to be one of the Beatles. John, Paul, Ringo, George, and me. But there was this girl, and her dad sprayed me with a can of insect repellent.

I joined Led Zeppelin after that, but it just didn't fly.

After that, I gave it one more try, and joined AC/DC. It was shocking.

Quote:What can I get away with before it's sure-fire infidelity? A kiss on the lips? Some people say hello like that. Touch the waist? Another innocent greeting gesture. As long as she doesn't rub my penis. No-one says hello like that, other than in prison.

-- Mark Corrigan

Sleep, go to sleep
Just lay down your weary head
Dream, sweetly dream
Dream about tomorrow instead
Sleep, go to sleep
Whisperin' a lullaby tune
Dream, sweetly dream
Swinging with the man in the moon

Why don't you go
Down where the sandman plays
And take it slow
Cause you can doze all day
And don't you know
That when you finally wake
All your lovely dreams will come true

So just close your eyes
Listen to a sweet lullaby
Sleep, softly sleep
And let the world go by

Quote:I start at the ankles and work up. I am like a spider binding him in my gossamer web. I do it tight with several layers. Soon Roy Orbison stands before me, completely wrapped in cling-film. The pleasure is unexampled.

-- Ulrich Haarbürste

Quote:No one WANTS a brick thrown at them. But it's an effective way to get someone's attention.

-- Ipikak the Inebriated